Welcome to Dressed for My Day! While I do generally focus on dressing our bodies and beautifying our appearance, this year I’m writing a blog series that helps us to invest in a beauty that doesn’t fade with age. Every couple of weeks or so I’m sharing my thoughts on an inner beauty characteristic that can help us to stay radiant, appealing and even winsome to those around us. When it comes to relating to other people, I think one of the most important traits a woman (or a man) can have is a filter. Let me explain…
We live in a world where it is fashionable to speak your mind, but that doesn’t mean that a woman who follows that trend is truly “pretty.” In fact, some women at first appear to be beautiful, alluring, a little mysterious and attractive…until they open their mouths. And then suddenly, right before your eyes, their beauty fades. Have you ever witnessed that?
Our words, our tone of voice, our volume, even the force with which we speak reveal more than our carefully made up faces or the clothes we wear. The outer appearance can be deceptive. But the words we bring to the conversation announce to those around us who we really are at the core, at the heart.
And yet, I’ve met older women who have boldly proclaimed that with age they have earned the right to speak their mind, say whatever they want and whenever they desire. I’ve met women of every age who have asserted, “You can count on me to just say what I think. I don’t hold back. And people know that about me. That’s just who I am.”
Do they think this is a good thing? I wonder.
Some women speak their minds boldly and without any restraint. But I think the most beautiful women – and men alike – bridle their tongues and measure their words carefully. They also speak kindly so that they truly encourage and benefit the hearer with their words. And that’s not to say these women are powerless, mousy or “hushed.” On the contrary, they realize the magnitude of their words, the weight they carry and how powerfully they affect other people. Thus they weigh their words thoughtfully before speaking them graciously into the air.
While I wouldn’t say I’m typically a woman who always feels the need to “speak my mind,” I do sometimes struggle with saying the right thing at the right time and holding my tongue in general. Words sometimes slip out before I’ve put enough thought into what I’m saying. And occasionally my emotions get the best of me and I blurt out things I just shouldn’t have said. Can you relate?
The Filter
If you’ve been around Dressed for My Day long, you know that I’m a proponent of the over-50 woman continuing to show up and speak up. But we could do a little good with our words or we can do a lot of harm. Surprisingly, or not, the line between the two results is sometimes a thin one.
I find that the younger people in my life seem to want to hear from me. They want me to weigh in on the things going on in our world, to share a bit of solicited wisdom with them occasionally and to tell them about my experiences. But if I want to continue to be invited to the table, so to speak, I want to make sure my words are well-received.
What we need is a filter. But how do we “install it?” I have a few thoughts..
First, I have to humbly admit my need for a filter. No more, “I’m just a woman who speaks her mind!” Instead, I must lay down my pride and realize that, left unchecked, I am prone to say things that just don’t need to be voiced. And I need to acknowledge that my words carry weight and have power. My words can wound, tear down, destroy. Or they can heal, build up and create. Having a mouth is a little like carrying around a hammer all day. I can use it for good…or destruction.
Next I have to install the filter in the right place. My words begin in my mind and heart. That’s where the filter has to be secured into place: in the heart and mind. It’s not enough to seal my lips with an imaginary zipper and toss the invisible key into the air. When big, powerful, loud thoughts begin to race through my mind, I’m wise to keep them to myself until I’ve run them through the filter. And when emotions well up in my heart and beg to be expressed, I can learn to sit with them a while, question them and temper them before giving voice to them.
The most beautiful women I know are not just those who keep their mouths shut, but they are women who truly know that some things just don’t need to be said. I’m well aware that they have an opinion, some knowledge on the topic, a seasoned perspective, but they show discretion in when and if they choose to express those things. Their silence or restraint doesn’t cause me to think they are weak or vapid or uninformed. It has just the opposite effect, in fact. And honestly, these women seem to know that sometimes silence is golden. Words not said are sometimes just as powerful as those that are unleashed.
Third, I need to learn how to use the filter as a practice. The filter that works best for me is to be quick to hear and slow to speak. While it’s not generally a good idea to “ride the brakes” when you’re driving, that tactic actually works well when it comes to speaking.
Being quick to hear means I stop formulating my response while the other person is speaking, and I truly lean in and try to understand what they are trying to communicate instead. It also means I ask clarifying questions so they can continue to share before I put my thoughts together and express them.
And being slow to speak means that I tread lightly with my words, measuring them out thoughtfully and with consideration. I look for visual cues to see how they are being received and I seek to communicate, not just “speak my mind.” And sometimes being slow to speak requires me to keep my thoughts to myself altogether.
Next, I must make a practice of talking more to God and less to other people. Want to vent? Take it to the Lord and talk all around that thing, sister! I’ve found that when I talk to God about it first, whatever “it” is, I’m less prone to need to sound off to anyone else.
I think this may be why the apostle Paul encouraged people to “pray without ceasing.” If I keep a running conversation going with the Lord, I can tell Him all the things I feel and think, sparing those around me from these unfiltered feelings and thoughts. And if I listen to Him in those ongoing conversations and don’t just do all the talking, then I get His input. And frequently He talks me down off my soapbox before I ever have the chance to bend anyone else’s ear.
Finally, we simply must practice some self-restraint. We are not children; we are grown women. That means we need to practice a little maturity and wisdom. We do not have to say every thought that crosses our minds or express every emotion that fills our hearts. We’ve lived long enough to know that some words sound like clanging cymbals in the ears; they’re not helpful or encouraging or clarifying or loving. If we have any doubt about whether or not our words will be received well, we’re better off just keeping them to ourselves. Sometimes we just need better timing, but other times we need to leave things unsaid altogether.
Our words can do such amazing things. We can build someone up and propel them forward with words of praise and encouragement. We can teach and impart wisdom by graciously sharing our experiences and what we’ve learned along the way. We can bring joy by sharing good news and joining in the laughter. We can wrap someone in a warm hug with our words of compassion and empathy. And we can enlighten and give hope when we graciously share our faith, a positive perspective or even a prayer. Let’s be women who conscientiously chose to filter our words so that the only ones that ever fill the air are those that do a little good.
Thanks so much for joining me for this inner beauty post. You can always find all of the a Beauty that Doesn’t Fade with Age posts under the 2025 INNER BEAUTY SERIES tab in the top menu. In the Blessed for My Day section below this post, I’ve shared Scripture verses that support today’s post. I welcome your comments in the comments section. Just click on JOIN THE CONVERSATION below to add your comment or to read what others have to say.
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Blessed for My Day
Here are some scriptures for meditation and even memorization:
Our words have great power – for good or for evil.
A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the wise commends knowledge,
but the mouths of fools pour out folly.
The eyes of the Lord are in every place,
keeping watch on the evil and the good.
A gentle tongue is a tree of life,
but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. ~ Proverbs 15:1-4
If we struggle with saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, we can ask God for help with that. He will gladly help us, but we must be willing.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. ~ Psalm 19:14
Our words originate in our hearts. When we allow God to transform our minds through His Word, we’ll notice that our hearts begin to change, too. That’s when the filter truly gets set into place and He helps us to choose our words and when we say them more wisely.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. ~ Philippians 4:8
The Lord will be our sounding board. If we learn to talk more to Him , we’ll feel less of a need to express everything we think to other people.
I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God;
incline your ear to me; hear my words. ~ Psalm 17:6
Honestly, I can’t be disciplined enough to control my mouth. But the fruit of the Spirit is…self-control. As we walk with the Lord and yield to Him, He creates within us more and more self-control.
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. ~ Ephesians 4:29-32
Thus when we do control our tongues, it is simply a miracle of the Lord! And really that’s the beauty of a filter. A filtered tongue is evidence of a miracle. A woman who practices restraint and wisdom with her words is a woman in whom the Holy Spirit has done a wonder! She’s a beautiful testimony to the power and grace of God.
Oh, Kay, how I needed your wisdom today. Thank you for articulating so carefully what it is to learn to listen and speak with discretion. The modern world of media encourages a flippant response verbally, or even with a “thumbs-up” or “thumbs down”, or a seemingly innocuous “heart”. Thank you for the reminder that I am God’s feet and voice in this world.
Yes Kay no words were truer spoken. It is better to appear ignorant than open your mouth and remove all doubt!
What a terrific topic! I completely agree!
Saying your piece or when people ask for your opinion,..is one thing. But constantly expressing it in a loud negative manner just makes the opinion that much less.
Millions of women over the centuries have made amazing strides in this world by being smart and choosing their words wisely.
Thanks for reiterating this concept.
Hi Kay, Excellent thoughts about keeping our words kind and constructive. I’m with you: Some things do not need to be said, and there is certainly nothing to be gained by tearing another person down.
In light of maintaining our inner beauty, I’d love to hear your thoughts on standing up for ourselves when it’s necessary. Whether it’s a loved one, a friend, a coworker or a stranger st the grocery store, keeping silent about things that hurt us erodes our confidence, self esteem, and thereby our inner beauty. Certainly we don’t need to make a stink about every little thing, but there are definitely times when it’s healthier to express ourselves.
What do you think?
Blessings from NJ!
Thanks, Mary Beth. Yes, we will certainly talk about that in an upcoming post.
Beautifully said! I needed to hear this today. Thank you so much!
Thank you so much for this, Kay! I love your posts, especially the “Blessed for my day” devotional you add. May God bless your day today and every day!
Excellent post today. I’m part of two women’s group. Sometimes I come away from meetings and wonder why do I continue to be part of these two groups. Then I think of some members who inspire me with their thoughts and words. My prayer is that I can be a part of that action. So I will continue as I see good works taking place.
On another thought, please share with James on much I appreciate his photos. His pictures bring so much joy. So what a beautiful way to begin the day with your words and his pictures! Have a blessed day filled with kindness.
Another “golden apple”!!!!
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.”
Proverbs 25:11 ESV
Thank you for your timely reminders, so beautifully displayed by the words you choose……. your choice of verbiage is like a setting of silver! Truth looks beautiful therein!
This is JUST what I needed to read today! With the mixed views on the inauguration today, I have had some friends voice different views than mine. I have prayed that I would have the correct responses or maybe not even a response but just listening. Appreciate your insight on the subject!
Also thank you for the discount at Rifle Paper Co.! Love the prints and styles esp the mugs!
I love these posts best of all…..the beauty on the inside, being most important ❤️
Just wanted to say thank you for doing these posts- they bless my heart!
Thank you so much for this reminder that our words can bring life or death.
WOW Kay
Alot of wisdom in a few paragraphs
You are a wise woman and I truly enjoy your posts
Thank you for sharing
What a wonderful article, especially today as we witness the inauguration of a new President. Let’s build each other up and encourage each other instead of tearing each other down. And thank you, Kay, for sharing James’ beautiful photographs with us!!
How beautifully written. Older church ladies often “spill out advice”. It is not a good look. Thank you for writing this down and emphasizing with well known Bible verses.
Kay, I feel like this post is meant for me today. It is an area that I feel the Lord is speaking to me in and your words of wisdom and the scriptures you shared are just what I needed today! “I have one deep supreme desire—-that I may be like Jesus”! So appreciate you and the amazing gift you are to so many that follow and look up to you! Blessings!
Kay, you have always struck me as someone who thinks before she speaks, and chooses her words carefully. Thank you for this message!
Great post, Kay. Very helpful and well written. Thank you for your transparency and for the Bible verses. Such a timely and important topic. Thank you. Blessings, Beth
This was a wonderful and much needed post today! Thank you for sharing your wisdom and the verses are perfect too. Blessings!
“A filtered tongue is evidence of a miracle”….made me laugh even while
acknowledging the truth! Such wise words Kay. Restraint in my speech is indeed evidence of the Spirit at work. Thank you for sharing
Thank you for the encouragement to be all that I can with the Lord’s help. I have learned that when I am tempted to say something, I need to ask God to help me to be quiet. Too many times I have been guilty of speaking in haste and have regretted it. As I’ve aged, I continue to learn the meaning of the verse from Proverbs 25:11 “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.”
P.S. I am really enjoying the inner beauty lessons.
What a beautiful post. I needed to hear this as a reminder I need to think more and speak less. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and will look forward to your next one. Lovely photos ! James has a gift for sure.
Perfect timing for this. Excellent! I’m guilty of reacting in kind instead of taking the high road. I used to just “take ” it..in other words was a doormat. Now, I probably go too far the other way. Life is a delicate balance in all things, isn’t it?
This was soooooo good. I needed to be reminded. Beautifully written. Thank you.
PS so enjoyed James photos too. What talent he has!!!
Thanks so much for your thoughts about filters today. It is one I struggle with and reminding me to take time before I respond is appreciated.
Kay, thank you for this series and the helpful post’s.
Thank you for the article on speaking. I will return to read it again and ask God’s help in applying the wisdom you’ve shared to my heart, mind, and speech.
Enjoying these posts! Striving to “talk” with the Lord more each day, rather than others, with concerns and situations in my life.
Also enjoying James’ photography!
Thank you Kay. I think we all need to heed this in our world today. You are lovely and inspire me to be better both inwardly and outwardly.
Thank you for this post. Look forward to more in the future.
Great advice. I can relate. In my younger days I would run my mouth and say what I think. I only did it with people I felt comfortable with. My friend told me I’d make a good politician. As I’ve gotten into scriptures and being born again I’m learning to be silent and not say what I think. Thank you for this post.
I think you err too far on the side of not speaking at all if someone might object to what we say. I am not sure who said “Acquiescent women never change anything.” Perhaps it was just me :-). Melinda Gates may have said it best: Women speaking up for themselves and for those around them are the strongest force we have to change the world. I do like your ideas for cultivating listening skills and I will be working on that.
So very, very true – wish more people would practice charity through their words or refrain from words that are not charitable – it is too easy to fall into gossip and negativity.
Thank you for your words today (regarding filter). So very timely. Exactly what I needed to hear and practice immediately.
Amen!
Thank you for a clear and pointed discussion re. the power of words and the responsibility one has to speak with thoughtfulness and kindness.
I try to “shut the door quietly”; I am not always successful doing so but do try.
Great discussion.
Great wisdom in this article! I need to read it again. Thank you Kay!
Kay, this topic is truly inspiring. Your words resonate deeply. As I grow older, my desire is to uplift others rather than bring them down. Thank you for sharing the scriptures that guide us. I absolutely love this new series! Thank you!
Hi Kay,
I have been following you for over a year now. I have had the opportunity lately to catch up on all of your blogs. They are wonderful. I was able to read and enjoy How I really dressed for my week 1-10-25, Styling the Black Trouser, the workout outfits, Navigating change with grace, and your latest the Beauty that doesn’t fade with age series. I am completely enjoying all of the blogs. I also enjoy watching your weekly you tube videos. In the newest blog-the Beauty of a filter, I loved the conversation and I loved all of the scriptures you included.
You are a treasure to all of us that follow you and I am so grateful for you, your you tube video, your blog and the increased confidence that I now have when I am putting together my outfits for the day.
I am completely enjoying all of the photography that James puts on the blogs. Lovely.
May God Bless you and your family,
Susan Kultys
Ahh, that is so very kind, Susan. Thank you so much for your sweet words and encouragement. I love what I do. But it can get a little lonely on this side of the screen. So I’m really grateful when I hear from my followers. Bless you!
Kay, this is so good! I’m hoping God will give me opportunities to share this♥️
What timing! This is so much what the Lord has been convicting me of. I, too, am not that woman who freely speaks her mind, but I want to come up higher in this area.
Kay,
I would like to thank you for this series. I found this post to be really helpful,
Oh Kay, you’ve written many many blog post articles that I enjoy. However, this one may be the most meaningful to me that you’ve written. I have found post-menopausal that I have to really guard my tongue, especially when I’m not feeling all that great, or had a poor night’s sleep. It’s harder for me to keep that filter in place! And…please more of James’ beautiful photography! It’s delightful! I’d love to know the story behind the picture with the blue butterfly…where was it taken? Stunning!
After re-reading this message it reaffirms how our words need to encourage and build up. God reminds me that words should glorify HIM, not edify ourselves or tear down others.
HIS word tells us to think before we speak, I pray that He will put His hand over my mouth before my foolish, hurtful words come out. Believe me, He will do it. Thank you for these inspirational posts.